M.E.P.D. Blue
by HaleyDub
Summary: In search of "Preciousssss", Gollum makes an unlikely career move...


**M.E.P.D. Blue**

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*author's note*  
I am aware that in Tolkien's story, Gollum is considered a criminal throughout Middle Earth. However, I couldn't resist doing this story, because, well, the thought of it was just plain funny. Hope you enjoy. :) 

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The creature Gollum shifted his eyes from left to right. He was going to do it. He was going to join the Middle Earth Police Department. To him it was the only way to retrieve Precious on his own. 

Slowly, the little creature emerged into the daylight. He let out a little cry and covered his eyes with his hands. "For Precioussssss...for my precioussssss..." he repeated to himself as he slowly let his eyes adjust to the light. Gollum commenced to galloping on all fours to the nearest M.E.P.D. station. 

He burst through the door. There were two Elves on duty; one was taking a crisis report from a female hobbit and the other was sitting at his desk snacking on a donut. Upon seeing Gollum, he put down his donut and looked at the creature with disgust. "Anything I can help you with, Ugly?" 

The Elf removed his policeman's hat to show his long, flowing, braided locks (which now qualified as hat hair) and awaited Gollum's answer. The little monster breathed heavily through his nose. "We wants to be policeman...yes...policeman..." He paused. "We wants to find our preciousssss. Our birthday present. Preciousssssss." 

Eyeing him suspiciously, the Elf asked, "And you say you want to be a... _policeman_? An M.E.P.D. cop?" 

If Gollum weren't so ugly the Elf would have been able to tell that he was smiling. "Yesssss. We wants to...enforce law." 

Arching an eyebrow, the Elf called to his colleage. "Hey Toron. C'mere." He looked down at Gollum. "What's your name, Ugly?" 

"Gollummmmmmm....." 

"Gollum? _The_ Gollum?" Toron asked, staring at the creature. 

Gollum blinked a few times. "We wants to be policeman." 

"C'mere," the other Elf said, pulling Toron aside. "He can't join the force! Look at him. He can barely walk!" 

"But Erumeldo, he's _famous_!" Toron protested. "We can't just tell him no!" 

Erumeldo sighed. "You're right." He turned to Gollum. "You're on." 

Gollum screeched with an unearthly, ear-shattering noise. "We find our precious in no time! We teach nasty Bagginsssss!" 

Erumeldo's eyes widened. "Bilbo or Frodo?" 

"All Bagginsssssss! We hates it! We hates it forever!" Gollum screeched. 

"Calm down, Gollum..." Toron trailed off. Maybe this had been a mistake. 

"We frisk offenders. We finds our precioussssss," Gollum whispered. 

"Wait, _frisk_?" Erumeldo asked in alarm. "Gollum, you haven't even been on duty for five minutes." 

"But we policeman. We enforce law. We finds Precioussssss." 

Just then, two Dwarves hauled in a guilty-looking hobbit. "We found this little man gettin' a five-finger discount on a grass pipe in the market." 

Gollum seized his chance. "We shall take it from here." He proceeded to frisk the frightened hobbit. "What has it got in its pocketses?" Gollum whispered to himself. 

"Toron, he's really scaring me," Erumeldo whispered out of the corner of his mouth. 

Toron nodded. The two Dwarves were flabbergasted, staring down at the ugly little monster. "Where'd he come from?" one of them asked. 

"He's - he's on the force," Erumeldo choked out. 

"What?!" Both Dwarves looked like they were on the verge of cardiac arrest. 

"Y-yeah." Erumeldo didn't meet them in the eyes as he suddenly remembered his half-eaten donut and returned to it as Gollum continued his search for "Precioussssssssss". 

"Uh, Gollum, I don't think he has anything," Toron said, indicating the frigtened hobbit. "Let him go...he's been traumatized," he whispered in the ear of one of the Dwarves. 

Shakily, the hobbit made his way out of the police station. Gollum blinked. "We have not found Preciousssss." 

"Who is 'Precious'?" one of the Dwarves asked, eyeing Gollum. 

"Ours! Ours! My precioussssssssss!" Gollum jumped up onto Erumeldo's desk on all fours and whipped his head around wildly. 

"Who has this...'Precious'?" Toron asked Gollum, flipping open his notebook and taking a pen in hand. 

"The nasty Baggins has got it in its pocketses; the nasty noser has found it, we says," Gollum answered after much thought. 

Toron and Erumeldo exchanged disturbed glances. Toron ventured further. "Well, how do you _know_ one of the Bagginses posesses your 'Precious'?" 

Gollum squinted his eyes. "We can't know till we find the nasty creature and squeezes it." 

"Okay, Gollum...I'm sorry, but you really don't need to be on the M.E.P.D. force..." Erumeldo trailed off. "I don't think you'll be finding Bilbo or Frodo anywhere around here." 

Gollum thought for a moment, then jumped off the table and ran on all fours back to his dark little home. With a shriek, he disappeared from view. To this day, from inside his cave, you may hear the screeches of, "We hates it, we hates it, we hates it forever!" 


End file.
